Poison & Wine - The Civil Wars

If I am ever to be loved - this is what I could only hope it would look like...

Purpose of life - Ayn Rand

Leap of faith

What do you want?

It does not seem like that hard of a question.  Especially if we are discussing dinner or plans for the evening.  However, that is not what I am referring to.  I did not ask the question - he did.  He asked it about my future; about my life.  What do you want?

I have lived my life for others.  This is not something I realized until the last few years.  I never asked for anything, I just did what everyone else did.  I had children, went to work, cleaned house, cooked dinner, went to bed and repeated it day in and day out for many numb filled years.  It was always easier to just go with the flow because to honestly go after what your dreams are is in essence a nightmare.  Being that I followed others with the desire to break free I ended up losing who I was and what I stood for.  I ended up without a dream of accomplishing something greater than myself.  I became a sheep within the realm of society.   Because of this I lost the true meaning and ended up stuck with wanting what all sheep want when they finally realize they are free. - - To live fully - - to be loved completely - - to be happy and ultimately angry because I fell victim.

So now I sit with having to answer the one question that should not be difficult.  Answering is not the issue - - fulfilling the obligation that I am destined to fulfill will be within the scrapes and bruises of the mountain I must climb.  

I have a purpose and it is to help others.  I have a knack for it and I enjoy it immensely.  I have a way of soothing others when they are stuck and depressed within their own lives.  Maybe that is because I understand so well.  Not only do I enjoy that but I also enjoy photography and writing.  I enjoy learning of others and hearing their deepest secrets as in fears and desires.  I have the ability to listen but most importantly to hear them.  Working in the medical field has given me many subjects thus making a difference has been readily available.  But now something has changed.  I find that people do not have the true appreciation, understanding and acceptance to what is given. - - Life - - I do not long for appreciation myself but I do believe that it is there but not with humans but with animals instead. 

My place is with animals and not as a feral child but as a student to what they have to offer.  I will start my journey with canines.  Canines are many and in no way near extinction.  However they are dying rapidly by the same exact diseases that humans do.  They get cancer and I do not know why.  They cannot smoke but are in an environment where smoking is near.  They acquire cancer at alarming rates both young and old which I believe that no canine can ever be old but we are limited in the time we have with them.  Old is a humans perspective, not an animals.  I want to know why they get cancer but at this point there are others that aspire to be the sources of those causes.  So where can I fit in and do something different but help those that ultimately cannot help themselves when it comes to this dreadful and deadly disease?  I can tell their story.  I can show that they actually live and that dying is not an option.  I can show you what you have never seen before.

What will I gain from this?  There has to be a selfish act in here somewhere.  It goes hand in hand - - respect - - love - - admiration - - loneliness - - fear and happiness.  I am sure there are more but that is what comes to mind.  Interesting enough, it is not about money because to truly fight for what you are meant to accomplish in life - money cannot and should not be the deciding factor.  There are many more riches then the almighty dollar bill. 

However, there is this one thing I must tend to first.  This must happen in order for the true value of life to encompass my own.

You

I feel the tips of your fingers touching mine as my chest rises and lowers with the warmth that runs along the lines of my body.  I feel you as the goosebumps from the whirlwind romance are lowered through your touch.  My arms dropped to my side with melted palms I stand in the presence of the thoughts that house my being.  Sinking into you without fear I feel the comfort that you bring. 

Taking your hand to the center of my chest and slowly wrapping your palm around my neck to the base of my head, my hair becomes tangled in your hand.  I feel the softest of lips upon mine.  Your chest caves into mine and our hearts beat as one.  I feel it; every beat and a tear is shed for the truest form of beauty I know which exists in the moments we share. 

The exposure is intense and we say nothing, we just become what we feel.  Your skin beneath my hands, my legs, my lips scream to me as the beast rises.  I lay upon you in silence to reassure my love and admiration, for my heart has been given to the only love I know. 

Without a moments notice the stone is placed and the set is lit as the pheromones which led us on the hunt has arrived.  Gasping to swallow all there is sliding into me, I warm you with the bodily fluid that has longed to be penetrated. 

Deception

I wake up daily to live.  I do not wake to work, clean house or even read what is going on in the world. 

When I take my first conscious breath I can feel my chest rise and then it lowers.  Many times it comes with a sigh, a sigh of knowing that I am not living; not living my dream so to speak.  And yes, I actually have a dream.  Sounds a bit cliche' but so be it; it is the truth. 

So when it comes to my life; not yours, but mine - If you do not have value to add to it - stay the fuck out.  I have no time nor energy to work through the many issues in which you house.  I have no time or energy to cypher through your childish comments because you are too much of a chicken shit to just fucking say what is on your mind. 

This blog is titled censura deest for a reason.  If you cannot follow that same path then you; a frightened soul, will never know what the meaning of truth is. 

Unless of course your truth is a deceptive one.

Absolute

In the years of my life I have experienced more pain then I knew what to do with and yet the pain in comparison to others is nothing.  I do what I can to never compare. 

I have grown into my beliefs of peace, freedom, truth and love.

I have spent many years of knowing exactly what it is I wanted however I had no idea how to make any of it real.  Now I am left at the crossroads of what I have always heard about.  The time has arrived; the time to decide, the time to live my dream.  

If my answer is yes then the lives of two will feel pain.  One will understand and yet he won't.  The other will feel the most pain.  He will never understand and the sense of abandonment will always be there.  That is the pain I have carried and never wished on anyone. 

If my answer is no then the pain will be felt by only one.  Myself. 

My dream is to love, be loved and to make a difference where others will know the truth, have freedom and feel peace.

The absolute hardest feat in life is the absolute itself.

Lucid Skin

You seep through my pores as you fill my soul; my lucid skin awaits.  Everywhere I turn, everything I think, your presence is stronger than any God that may or may not exist. 

I sway to only find that you are there, that moment in which pure beauty is drowning my lifeless body.  Looking with my lids closed I see you, clearer than before.  It is not a game nor an ideal; it is the reality of my heart.  Do not forsake me for the ideal you have of non-existence is unfathomable.

ain't no reason

there ain't no reasons things are this way

it's how they've always been and they intend to stay

i don't know why i say the things i say

but i say them anyway

i can't explain why we live this way

we do it everyday

Mind fucked

I never felt his touch or smelt his body but he entered my mind and fucked me.  He slapped his cock against my slutty face and made me beg for more.  I gagged to the point of not breathing as he fucked my mouth, his tight grip tangled in my hair as the obscenities were being screamed at me.  Thrusting his cock deep inside my ass I cried out to him begging and begging but he would not stop.  He made me cum through the pain accompanied with tears from sharp spasms as my breath became labored through the grip of his hand around my neck.


I was his bitch; his slut, his subject. 

Parapila

A psycho sexual disorder in which sexual gratification is obtained through highly unusual practices that are harmful or humiliating to others or socially repugnant, such as voyeurism or pedophilia. This is the definition through The Free Dictionary by Farlex.

It is an interesting topic and one that I am familiar with.

To be perfectly clear and you should understand that there is nothing about pedophilia that interest me. I am not into it, I do not search sites nor do I fantasize about having any type of sexual encounter with a child or children.

That being said I will speak about the other aspects of paraphilia like voyeurism.

Voyeurism. I enjoy the thought of it. I watched a classmate of mine back in 1987, as he masturbated. I stood outside his bedroom window. It turned me on to watch someone please them self. His facial expressions and the movements of his body was quite erotic. He had absolutely no idea that I stood there watching intently as he continued to stroke away. Later that evening I took my soaked panties off and I masturbated to the scene alone in my upstairs bedroom. I told him recently and it pissed him off that I watched him, then he wanted to fuck me.

I have been watched while I masturbate. It is something that I believe most couples do when they are fooling around. I, however, would like to be watched while not knowing. Tell me about it later but watch me when I am unaware. I welcome you.

Now some may say I am a sexual deviant and that's okay. You see, I am pleased with my sexuality and quite comfortable in knowing that I gain pleasure from the exposure of all my inhibitions which I have none.